Lame.
So apparently I have a bad reputation. People who i’ve never met have heard things and either judge me and divulge into preconceived notions about my person or are on the fence whether or not I’m a socially acceptable character. Kinda sucks right? Yeah it does. But there isn’t much that can be done about it. If people think that way, then people think that way.
Hello Holidays
Yep. First day of holidays. My alarmw ent off at 6:15 and i got straight up and went for the door, but then in my haze of a state i was like
“HOLIDAYSSSSSS”
and went straight back to bed. It’s currently 10:23am on a Wednesday morning and I’m bored as hell. I have nothing planned for today except maybe going for a run for an hour or so and watching T.V.
These holidays I’ve made the decision to start blogging again. I mean why not. http://riveranton.wordpress.com has been sitting around dormant lately and it’s about time i jump start le project (that’s what the french call it).
This time of year, being Christmas holidays, has really allowed me to reflect lately. I recall a year ago is when so much happened. I’d like to think of them as the good old days, even if they were only 12 months ago. I miss them. As in i really miss those holidays. I especially miss a friend i made during this time. I met her through my blog actually And we just clicked. But all of a sudden I lost contact with her. She was a good friend.
To be honest, I’m not really looking forward to these holidays. I’m not too keen on being bored for 2 months but hey we’ll see what they have in store.
So anyway, consider this the first post in a series of posts that are to come in subsequent days. Assuredly, It’ll be a journey. Hopefully one that I’ll enjoy (and later,miss,) as much as the last.
Always .
One of my favorite songs …
I’ve been here before a few times
And I’m quite aware we’re dying
And your hands they shake with goodbyes
And I’ll take you back if you’d have me
So here I am I’m trying
So here I am are you ready
…
And I’ll miss your laugh your smile
I’ll admit I’m wrong if you’d tell me
I’m so sick of fights I hate them
Lets start this again for real
So here I am I’m trying
So here I am are you ready
So here I am I’m trying
So here I am are you ready
…
I’ve been here before a few times
And I’m quite aware we’re dying
So here I am I’m trying
So here I am are you ready
So here I am I’m trying
So here I am are you ready
…
C’mon Let me Hold You
Touch You
Feel You
All Mine
Always.
Always – Blink 182
Oh … Wow ….
I took the day off school today. I woke up unusually fatigued ( even for a school day) and in my morning haze i realized exams were over so going to school didn’t really matter. So I asked my Dad if I could take a day off and he – angrily – agreed.
I was reading my old blog (some trivia: http://riveranton.blog.com) today. Looking through the old posts made me realize a lot of things. Funny thing is, I originally started writing a blog so that I could look back on it. It felt as if someone else had written the posts on the blogs. It’s not that I’m so detached from my past, but it seems as if the PAST ME is so much more articulate and has much more insight into life ! LIKE WHAT THE HELL MAN?!
I’ve been dumbed down! The past River seems to be likened towards some sort of… lonely thinker who couldn’t get any sleep and posted up how he perceived life. The now River posts up poetry and rarely anything of actual substance.
Last year’s Christmas holidays did something to me. And I’m not really sure what. I miss when I actually gave a damn about the things and events that occurred in my life. It’s been too long since I’ve taken a step back and looked around.
oh, hai prose!
Okay.
So what’s been going on with me? The past month has been pretty hectic (not in the good, but in the literal way). If anything I’ve learned to watch my mouth above all else.
I consider myself not dumb. But that doesn’t mean I have permission to run my mouth just because I can waffle on about why I’m right and you’re wrong, because that makes me a loser. Right? Right.
Next: Exams. They end in three days, and I am very unprepared for commerce and IST tomorrow. When my peers stress about exams then I stress. So it thoroughly annoys me when particular friends go bananas over something as a simple fact and cram cram cram the night before blazing all over facebook, twitter and MSN about how they now know about this and that and have (freakishly) successfully memorized like 15 pages of information. It makes me so insecure about my own knowledge ! Yuck. No but seriously, after I finish writing this I’m gonna follow suit.
I’ve recently also rediscovered my love for City and Colour ! I’m trying to weigh up whether or not I should actually obtain the album legally, which some call “Buying”, or practically steal it ; Limewiring. Dallas Green’s voice is so soothing, calm, but confident and also powerful. His lyrics are true and heartfelt and the actual music he composes has more variety then that of, say, Iron and Wine. His name is supa kool too, yo.
Yes Please.
There’s a new movie out called “500 Days Of Summer” . Well, it’s not really new. I first saw the trailer back in December and now that it’s actually come out, I still haven’t had an opportunity to see it. I REALLY want to watch it and i deserve to after keeping my mouth shut patiently for about (what felt like) 20 months. Call me a cheesy Romantic, but I like love stories, even the off beat quirky-ly cute ones, and 500 Days of Summer is shaped exactly to fit the void that “The Notebook” left.
Okay … Hmm , what else ? Oh yeah I’m failing miserably in a particular department of life. It’s confusing, as per usual. I just don’t understand why it can’t be as easy as,
i like you
i like you too
let’s make this work.
But, time and time again, we find it’ll never be that way. There’s always roadblocks or obstacles in the path that you either jump over or crash into. And I think I’ve crashed far too many times…
It’s a shame though. It wasn’t infatuation this time.
But you can’t stay down and out when situations like this occur. You gotta keep your head high, look forward to the best. Anf that’s exactly what I’ll do, namely, an afternoon movie session with some friends of mine to watch the above named movie !
Yeah…
We never said goodbye, though .
Yeah , Yeah.
I jsut got a huge dose of my own medicine. And I don’t like the taste. At all. Which is understandably why certain people have avoided me in the past. And let me say, Far out . Talk about awkward positions and being slightly weirded out. Also, not knowing what to do and feeling sorry for the person. Damn, i was such an ass hat! I now understand.
SORRY GUYS !!!!
A few Decades Late.
It makes me wonder why people are afraid to be themselves and deem it necessary to put anyone down who has the guts to be so. That being said, I still stand by my boycotting of the words “conformity” and “non conformity” alike (and for some trivia, I’ve eliminated “swagger” from my vocab too). Both have … idealistic connotations in which any case aren’t practical at all and will make you seem like more a douche than you are.
Some people lately have been saying I’m a poof and that i need to be more “manly” . Apparently, manly men get into fights every once in a while and dont wear cardigans. No, I don’t condone violence and yes, cardigans are comfortable. While I’m at it, I watched the Notebook with my Mom. Does that mean that I lack testosterone and am automatically attracted to men? No. The fact that these people present themselves with the mission to put me down because i don’t meet their below sub-standard bar of self worth is getting me pissed enough that, yes, I’m writing a whole blog post about it.
Why are people afraid of being themselves? A fear of social unacceptance, I suppose, would be the most logical answer. And yes, I do agree, If you are your own unique self there is a high probability that you won’t find a lot of people like you. Because in it’s truest sense, we are all different. But do we really have to stoop to the level where people start to believe people should be some specific way? The term “weird” is ambiguous, general and subjective enough that I’m thinking it should be the next word I boycott. The mould should be broken, but a part of me thinks that if this were so, we’d all be alone. Thus similarities.
Reality is, none of us are truly different. And if you try to make it out like you, as stated above, you’re a douche. We all move in our own way (yay for a kooks reference) but we have characteristics that other people have also which draws us to our specific social group. No one is truely lonely, I do believe. However, that being said, I’ll be sure to amp up the spam filter on my blog comments.
We can be different, but the same at the same time. Being too far on either side of the spectrum just makes YOU “weird” . Because you obviously lack essential parts of what makes you, you. The part that’s You and the part that’s Them.
A Letter
Dear Jane,
Hi ! What’s up? We haven’t spoken in a while. I don’t even think I’ve seen you in a while either.
There’s nothing new with me. There never is. Same old boring River as usual. It’s raining tonight, it’s always reminded me of you. I always wished we’d “slow dance in the rain” like I always wrote, but I know stuff like that is only my head.
To be honest, I can’t think of enough small talk to help me ignore the fact that I’m writing this letter because I miss you. My friends have been dealing with my current overbearing load of angst, and at times i feel sorry for them. I feel selfish in a way. Stupid, most definitely. Why am I always so serious? Why do I over think things? And why, in some naive way, do I think i have all the answers?
I’m only good for my words, aren’t I? I always just say the right thing at the right time, or write words that only sound sweet, but I’m no man of action. I always blamed you for breaking promises, but maybe I broke a few along the road too. Unspoken promises, that don’t even need to be mentioned because we both understood why. At least, that is, I think we did.
I still remember the first time i came to the realization that I was a sprung, foolish 15 year old kid. I looked at the stars that very moment and smiled at the fact that these were the very same stars that were above you, And no matter how far distance would have us apart, we were standing under the same sky. As if you weren’t that far away. There’s a large hill behind my home, with a valley. I like to sit there sometimes and stare at the stars for a while. All in some whacked out pensive mood and occasionally just waiting for dinner. The gentle hum of the nearby freeway never seems to break the hush I feel that falls so silently. It never interrupts my train of thought, which always seems to revolve around what I could’ve and should’ve done and what i couldn’t and shouldn’t have done. Remember that green book? It’s under a tree on that hill. Maybe someone will find it one day.
Why do I even care so much? It was never anything serious. I’m being childish. But for some odd reason, I just can’t forget. Currently I’m in one of those “half-asleep” mood type of things. You might get totally freaked out so I don’t know. I’m not even sure I’d want you to read this. I’m just rambling on as usual, writing letters and words that are just me moping and complaining without any real substance.
I guess I’m just a kid, right? A kid who cared too much for his own good. But I understand, and I’m sure you do too. Well, I hope you do.
I still miss you. It’s probably not the same for you. But i guess that how things are just meant to be.
-River.
Saturday,Saturday
Oh saturday, saturday. Usually after the weekly sub-par performance of yours truly at my basketball game, I would be found being a vegetable in front of this very computer screen facebooking. But, after a last minute arrangement, Isaac decided to come home with me after said game to watch a movie.
And so began my somewhat panic-induced scramble to get other people to come with us ( a man date was NOT an option. Especially at Macarthur Square. Yeesh.)
First was Jordan Kaibati , he cried and cried and cried and made excuses to not come, but eventually we cracked the tough nut to the elated joy of Isaac and myself. We celebrated with toasted sandwiches my mother made as he went and watched scrubs and I tried to get more people to come.
The attendance of the subsequent others being, Sam Mariani, Kate Stone, and Rebel-ca Cosier were completely accidental. Sam had informed me of plans to do another “Good Sunday” but i suggested a “Good Saturday” as he bartered with his parents if he could come. Kate Stone, being the cool cat she is, offered him and a ride and he was confirmed. Rebecca, who had just arrived home (ironically, from macarthur square) and signed in on MSN and I asked her if she wanted to come and she said yeah why not.
Jordan K soon arrived at my home wearing a red polo shirt and an indie-child vest with his swag boots snugly fitted around his feet. Me, Isaac, Jordan and my Mom got in the car, went down the street, picked up Rebel-ca and went on our way to Macarthur square.
We got there, sooner rather than later much to my Mother’s relief. All 4 of us soon met up with the other 2 and we bought tickets to Night @ The Museum 2 (which Beccy had seen earlier that day but she didn’t seem to mind).
After staunching it into the bowling alley, we played a few games of pool to pass the time until the movie.
The movie was good. Funny, contrary to what we were told earlier. Worth the $15.50 ? Maybe. Only if you have friends around you.
Afterwards we walked around in an empty (and closed off) macarthur square. We went into one of the elevators and proceeded to scream as it went up and down. Naturally, the acoustics barely managed and our high pitched squeals of various tones and pitches bounced off the claustophobic, glass elevator. As you could imagine, it left our ears ringing and people on the outside staring oddly at our seemingly silent and bewildered expressions.
We soon got tired of that, so we all walked to the older side of Macarthur Square where the parking lot was completely empty. We explored and were awe struck by the awesomeness. Kate and Beccy climbed into trolleys which me and Sam then piloted around. Beccy had no fun coz Sam’s a crap trolley pusher. I tokyo drifted the hell out of that and swerved like crazy, so it was pretty mad.
However, Sam and Kate had to leave eventually leaving Me, beccy, isaac and jordan.
We talked for a while, wasting time, “esh esh”ing it and just chilling out until my parents came.
So yeah that was saturday.
No i didn’t proof read.
Could i have done a better job writing this? Definately.
But as long as my Sam is happy. 
Mirror, Mirror on the wall (is that really me?)
My attempts at writing atypical poetry written and posted periodically that are loosely based on the emotional character of a stranger I had met, have failed miserably. As i slowly, but oh so unsurely tried to meander through the thought patterns of said confidant, it made me realise that Himself and I aren’t or weren’t so different after all. You have to dig around in the ground to find gold, right?
I always thought to understand someone else was much more harder than to understand oneself. With another, the harsher the truth than the more likely it is to come out, an admittance, if you will, that is undeniably liberating but strangely painful. Whereas even if the slightest amount of ego were to taint the reflection of your person, then the whole image would be a lie. It’s almost as if it’s easier to admit secrets to (people who seem to be) complete strangers. The absence of condescending,verbose and needlessly expounded assumptions and thoughts is always comforting, just because you know you’re a stranger to them too.
I think I’m struggling because I don’t think I am able to do the subject matter justice. It may be the inherent fear of failure, the lack of trust and/or faith, or the fact that I don’t want to admit to myself that the feelings he feels, I too have often felt and know well. Some might call me pretentious and conceited or that i obsess over stupid matters ( “over-think”) and I probably do. But when there’s cash on the table, or things on the line, You’d have to admit it’s hard not to.
Still, It’s an interesting thought.
(far out i sound like such a douche).
