The kid, he’s got a heart.
I’ll keep telling myself over and over and over that she’s different. Better than the rest. You know why, Pa ? Because she is.
We’re Such Idiots !!!!!!
How long ago did we realize
we were the two opposites
that had the matching bits and pieces
that fit so correctly
We held the hands of Fate and she brought us together
We looked in the eyes of love
We were hypnotized, confused, bedazzled but so awake
We’re such idiots
Promise me you’ll love me
when i turn old
When my teeth fall out and i can’t see past my hands
when i snore in my sleep or can’t afford the earrings you want
When my eyes are fixated on the game moreso than on you
in that pretty dress you worked so hard for
that new hair cut you thought would impress me
Love me when I drink a beer instead of the coffee you make
when I don’t bond with the kids as much as I should
when i seem to be out of the house more and more every night
when i leave my socks on the floor
when i try to sneak back into bed trying not to wake you
when I sit on my ass and do no house work
and when I no longer open the door for you
hold you as tightly as I should
or kiss you like I’ll never see you again
Love me even though I may stop loving you.
Can you keep that promise?
I hope you can
Will you ?
you’re such an idiot
I saw your angel wings
and heard the beauty that came from your mouth
Beneath that rainbow, where we first fell in love
with a path of chinese silk gilded with gold laid before us
In my heart and as a fool, I told you this
I promise
to love you when you wax and wane
Even if the stars are brighter than your eyes on a winters night
and even if your hands tremble and shake and you can no longer hold mine
I promise to love you when dinner tastes bland
when you keep fidgeting in bed
and When you’re on the phone gossiping five hours a night
i’ll love you when you force me to watch stupid chick flicks
when you get super emotional over the same cliche
when you forget to pay the bill, when you nag me non stop
when you think you’re always right, but you’re actually wrong
and when you pick fights over the stupidest things
when you leave whenever I’m around
when you barely look at me anymore
or when you don’t kiss me goodbye
I promise to love you, even though you may stop loving me
I can keep that promise
I hope I can
I Will .
I’m such an idiot
A Letter
Dear Jane,
Hi ! What’s up? We haven’t spoken in a while. I don’t even think I’ve seen you in a while either.
There’s nothing new with me. There never is. Same old boring River as usual. It’s raining tonight, it’s always reminded me of you. I always wished we’d “slow dance in the rain” like I always wrote, but I know stuff like that is only my head.
To be honest, I can’t think of enough small talk to help me ignore the fact that I’m writing this letter because I miss you. My friends have been dealing with my current overbearing load of angst, and at times i feel sorry for them. I feel selfish in a way. Stupid, most definitely. Why am I always so serious? Why do I over think things? And why, in some naive way, do I think i have all the answers?
I’m only good for my words, aren’t I? I always just say the right thing at the right time, or write words that only sound sweet, but I’m no man of action. I always blamed you for breaking promises, but maybe I broke a few along the road too. Unspoken promises, that don’t even need to be mentioned because we both understood why. At least, that is, I think we did.
I still remember the first time i came to the realization that I was a sprung, foolish 15 year old kid. I looked at the stars that very moment and smiled at the fact that these were the very same stars that were above you, And no matter how far distance would have us apart, we were standing under the same sky. As if you weren’t that far away. There’s a large hill behind my home, with a valley. I like to sit there sometimes and stare at the stars for a while. All in some whacked out pensive mood and occasionally just waiting for dinner. The gentle hum of the nearby freeway never seems to break the hush I feel that falls so silently. It never interrupts my train of thought, which always seems to revolve around what I could’ve and should’ve done and what i couldn’t and shouldn’t have done. Remember that green book? It’s under a tree on that hill. Maybe someone will find it one day.
Why do I even care so much? It was never anything serious. I’m being childish. But for some odd reason, I just can’t forget. Currently I’m in one of those “half-asleep” mood type of things. You might get totally freaked out so I don’t know. I’m not even sure I’d want you to read this. I’m just rambling on as usual, writing letters and words that are just me moping and complaining without any real substance.
I guess I’m just a kid, right? A kid who cared too much for his own good. But I understand, and I’m sure you do too. Well, I hope you do.
I still miss you. It’s probably not the same for you. But i guess that how things are just meant to be.
-River.
A movie and a shake of the head.
3 Youtube videos are loading on this cloudy, lazy Sunday. My parents are watching T.V and yet again I am found in front of the computer.
Yesterday my friend organized a get together at the movies with about 19 of us. It was fun, I duly admit, but the darkwash in the sky just brings down the “high” brought on by last nights neon lights emitted in the bowling alley. Individuals are complex, so naturally human interaction is much more complex. When conflicting personalities and what not come together, each person must attempt to try their best to hold it together so it doesn’t turn into a riot. How do we do this? By keeping quiet.
Ever noticed that? When you’re the new kid in any situation or have just met people for the first time you keep quiet. As if to test the waters, albeit awkwardly, but non the less testing the waters. Yesterday’s gathering was quite diverse leading to very quiet wandering around but after the imminent end of the breaking in period, people started showing their “true colours” and soon enough I was brave enough to admit i was wearing my Mother’s denim jacket. Hey, it looked good ! and it didn’t seem to phase people anyway.
GAHHHH!!!11!1!!!
Some would call me fruity based on the facts that i like the colour pink, i have a favourite flower and am unafraid of commenting on another dude’s looks. Some would find it threatening if i were to propose that, for the latter at least, it only solidifies the fact that you are confident in your own sexuality. I like women and I’m sure of that, so a passing remark regarding another man’s appearance hardly wavers that confidence. And, funnily enough, I get girls asking my opinion on the looks of a particular guy. It doesn’t really freak me out, but it usually leads to a specific zone I usually find myself in in terms of relationships with the opposite sex.
The Friend Zone
Typing it alone makes me shudder. Every dude hates this said zone, but i find that I’m always in it. Is it because I like pink and flowers? Girls always say that they want a sensitive, nice guy who they can run to when they’re sad, who’ll make them smile, wipe their tears away, put up with “The Notebook” and ask them how their day was. This is theory left unpractised. Because in reality, if a guy were like that, a girl would feel threatened and see that dude as “just a friend”. Wanna know how i know that? Because it happens to me.
I’m always just a friend. It gets frustrating, but I often have to take it on the chin and move on.
It’s also a point of emotional maturity. I’ve never had a girlfriend in my life, but I at least know when a girl is hurting or when she needs someone. And the weird thing is, (being utterly honest and humble about the matter) yours truly often fills the void that the supposed boyfriend left behind.
That’s some food for thought ain’t it? Always just a friend…
It gets frustrating, to say the least. I’ve talked to really nice and caring guys who have been hurt, just because a girl wants a good time with a so called “dominant alpha male”. My heart goes out to the hurting, because they don’t deserve to feel that way. My head spins and my blood boils when i see a situation like that happen. Complete and blatant disregard for a person’s feelings.
You Know Who You Are:
I know how you feel bro. A lot of people do. Rejection and pain are a part of life. Just get on with it and move on. Moping around won’t help one bit. Admittedly, It won’t happen over night. Just be patient and give it time.
Chocolate Space Disks
It’s another relaxing Sunday afternoon except it’s different this time around. I have no excuse not to study. I guess i should really be getting my boogie on, but chomping on oreos and typing on my keyboard seems to have taken a higher priority than my marks at school. Which is all good to me.
my sick, sick vice.
I’m really tired today, and the bags under my eyes are really prominent in today’s (well deserved) sunlight. The next door neighbour’s dog kept barking. It’s heinous, annoying little whine of an excuse for a bark made me want to get a gun and shoot it square in the head. So, being half asleep, I got up and walked into my bedroom wall. That’s all i really remember, but strangely enough the dog stopped barking…
I’ve been in hot pursuit for some new music and I have now considered Uh Huh Her and Frou Frou needles in their respective haystacks. Unfortunately, Frou Frou don’t make music anymore (Imogen Heap and some other bloke broke up the band back in 2002), but their sound is way ahead of their time and their hauntingly beautiful lyrics comfort me in the fact that I may not be alone. Totally relatable. Pure poetry sung by a hypnotising and mystical Imogen Heap. You should check their one and only album. Really worth a listen. Uh Huh Her, on the other hand is more up-beat but is somehow (oddly enough) classified under electro-indie pop. How that works out, I have no idea but they make good music.
I have a really strange sense of longing beating in my chest. I’m not entirely sure for what exactly, but it’s starting to annoy me more than anything. I seem to be a very clingy person. No matter how much i try to convince others that i am totally introverted and selfish, I always want to be around people. I long for that sense of companionship, that sense of having a relationship with another person, that sense of not-alone-ism (totally made a new word right there). I guess both (being, my introversion and longing for company) stem from lack of a sibling as i grew up. As I munch on these sweet, sweet oreos, I have come to the realisation that both (that is, my selfishness and my love bug) might stick with me for the rest of my life. I hate being alone, but it’s the only thing I want. I need someone to hold. I need someone to hold me. I need someone I can love. I need someone who can love me. I Need Someone. Anyone.
In Regards To Lack Of A Birthday Present.
I am disappointed because of two things.
Thing #1: I lost my basketball final today. I don’t think I’m good under pressure. I complained when I didn’t get the ball and now I’m complaining that they actually DID give me the ball and i missed my shots. All 3 of them. And we only lost by 4 points. So just imagine that. It’s frustrating to think that I can’t walk properly if i have a load on my back. I wish i could be more of a clutch man. But instead i look around with a gaping mouth not knowing what the hell to do.
Someone once told me pressure makes the man, and only those who can function well under pressure are those who can survive. We see this countless times in disaster movies and the like. So, according to that, if I was on a sinking ship, I’d be dead. Ironically, the ethnic always dies in those types of movies. Go figure.
I guess I get numb and become incredibly insecure in my own abilities as a person. A bit odd, If i think about it but maybe i just don’t have that survival instinct in me. Of course, I’m exaggerating this whole thing, but I’m scared I’m more quick to panic than to take action. All this from failing at a basketball game, huh ? You bet. I tend to over think things as a lot of people know.
Trying To Be A Superhero ...
Thing #2 : A startling revelation was brought before me yesterday that almost made me puke. It’s a shame that when you think you know someone, you’re suddenly hit with a hammer on the head and made aware of what they do behind closed doors. It made me sick to my stomach, no doubt. And i was slightly dissappointed in the person. Honestly, I don’t think i’d be able to look them the same way now, which is a sad thought. If people were just the same all the time everything would be easier. Now i must admit, I’m an offender too and i must also admit I “transform” so to speak, but I do my best not to. Not only do they do such deplorable and disgusting acts or even THINK of it, but the fact that they condemn others for doing the same thing. Complete and utter HYPOCRISY. On top of that I’m pissed off at the other person for reasons that shall go unidentified. I think i just lost all my respect for both of them. But then again that’s hypocritical of me in a way. I shouldn’t be quick to judge, people make mistakes. I should forgive and forget (even if i wasn’t done wrong) because I’d want people to do the same to me. But still, it bugs me. It’s the person. Just who it is and thinking of them being that way just… It’s not right and shouldn’t be. But I’m not superman and I can’t stop people around me from making mistakes or making the wrong decisions. It’s neither my place or my job. However, it annoys me that it’s not. You should save a person who’s about to jump off a bridge, right ?
Sir, What does this casket have to do with my shackles?
Well, I believe I am moderately prepared for the exams ahead of me. So tonight’s plans will consist of briefly going over my notes so as to not over cramp.
One exam, however, that i am worried about is english. I’m afraid I will fail dismally. Seeking refuge in the wise words of my best friend, he asked me why it was so important. Well, It’s not important to me, but rather my parents. i honestly think school is for my parents. It’s always pressure and very soon i think my strings will snap. But I’ll hold on.
I am relatively optimistic for the rest of my school life no matter how bleak it looks. But, as seen today, the sunshine always comes through. I was discussing with my friend Del how we no longer get days where we have nothing to worry about and relax, seeing as the work load seems to constantly increase at irregular time periods. Tthe hope of my stress being assuaged doesn’t seem to be coming into fruition any time soon, So i guess it’s just a part of life we all have to deal with.
I’ve also been feeling very unsure lately… An old friendship has been rekindled but I still can’t shake the thought of Her. It seems ignoring Her doesn’t work nor does breaking every creative bone in my body to stop myself from writing another stupid poem. Hell, I’m even hoping she doesn’t even read my blog or that she doesn’t see this post. In a sense, I think I miss her. But that’s always been the case. Wallowing on and walking around like I’ve got a bullet in my chest won’t do anything to alleviate my feelings so (as before) I’m gonna have to laugh this it off. I’m still skeptical that it all ended too soon, and it was sort of like the series finale of a TV show. A cliffhanger, if you will. One that I don’t think will ever get resolved (thought i honestly wish it would).
I’ve been slapped with an ultimatum that i don’t think i can bear, nor can i be bothered making a decision for. I have priorities. Work, work, work. Just as always. It’s all routine. I just hope they won’t notice the tears on my exam paper.
