Uno, dos
Day 2 of these Christmas. Another sleep in, another run, another shower and feeling refreshed again. To my dismay, the pantry and fridge are devoid of food and i’ve had to make do with the sandwich Mama left me for lunch.
I really hope the holidays aren’t as tedious as these past two days. On the positive side, however, these days home alone have given me a lot of time to think, not necessarily about anything important, but just things. Likewise on the opposite side of the spectrum, it’s made me very lazy and bored.
YouTube and Kongregate are getting boringgggggggg as is facebook. I honestly wish something interesting would happen so i’d have something to write about. Sorry guys.
Yeah , Yeah.
I jsut got a huge dose of my own medicine. And I don’t like the taste. At all. Which is understandably why certain people have avoided me in the past. And let me say, Far out . Talk about awkward positions and being slightly weirded out. Also, not knowing what to do and feeling sorry for the person. Damn, i was such an ass hat! I now understand.
SORRY GUYS !!!!
A few Decades Late.
It makes me wonder why people are afraid to be themselves and deem it necessary to put anyone down who has the guts to be so. That being said, I still stand by my boycotting of the words “conformity” and “non conformity” alike (and for some trivia, I’ve eliminated “swagger” from my vocab too). Both have … idealistic connotations in which any case aren’t practical at all and will make you seem like more a douche than you are.
Some people lately have been saying I’m a poof and that i need to be more “manly” . Apparently, manly men get into fights every once in a while and dont wear cardigans. No, I don’t condone violence and yes, cardigans are comfortable. While I’m at it, I watched the Notebook with my Mom. Does that mean that I lack testosterone and am automatically attracted to men? No. The fact that these people present themselves with the mission to put me down because i don’t meet their below sub-standard bar of self worth is getting me pissed enough that, yes, I’m writing a whole blog post about it.
Why are people afraid of being themselves? A fear of social unacceptance, I suppose, would be the most logical answer. And yes, I do agree, If you are your own unique self there is a high probability that you won’t find a lot of people like you. Because in it’s truest sense, we are all different. But do we really have to stoop to the level where people start to believe people should be some specific way? The term “weird” is ambiguous, general and subjective enough that I’m thinking it should be the next word I boycott. The mould should be broken, but a part of me thinks that if this were so, we’d all be alone. Thus similarities.
Reality is, none of us are truly different. And if you try to make it out like you, as stated above, you’re a douche. We all move in our own way (yay for a kooks reference) but we have characteristics that other people have also which draws us to our specific social group. No one is truely lonely, I do believe. However, that being said, I’ll be sure to amp up the spam filter on my blog comments.
We can be different, but the same at the same time. Being too far on either side of the spectrum just makes YOU “weird” . Because you obviously lack essential parts of what makes you, you. The part that’s You and the part that’s Them.
A Letter
Dear Jane,
Hi ! What’s up? We haven’t spoken in a while. I don’t even think I’ve seen you in a while either.
There’s nothing new with me. There never is. Same old boring River as usual. It’s raining tonight, it’s always reminded me of you. I always wished we’d “slow dance in the rain” like I always wrote, but I know stuff like that is only my head.
To be honest, I can’t think of enough small talk to help me ignore the fact that I’m writing this letter because I miss you. My friends have been dealing with my current overbearing load of angst, and at times i feel sorry for them. I feel selfish in a way. Stupid, most definitely. Why am I always so serious? Why do I over think things? And why, in some naive way, do I think i have all the answers?
I’m only good for my words, aren’t I? I always just say the right thing at the right time, or write words that only sound sweet, but I’m no man of action. I always blamed you for breaking promises, but maybe I broke a few along the road too. Unspoken promises, that don’t even need to be mentioned because we both understood why. At least, that is, I think we did.
I still remember the first time i came to the realization that I was a sprung, foolish 15 year old kid. I looked at the stars that very moment and smiled at the fact that these were the very same stars that were above you, And no matter how far distance would have us apart, we were standing under the same sky. As if you weren’t that far away. There’s a large hill behind my home, with a valley. I like to sit there sometimes and stare at the stars for a while. All in some whacked out pensive mood and occasionally just waiting for dinner. The gentle hum of the nearby freeway never seems to break the hush I feel that falls so silently. It never interrupts my train of thought, which always seems to revolve around what I could’ve and should’ve done and what i couldn’t and shouldn’t have done. Remember that green book? It’s under a tree on that hill. Maybe someone will find it one day.
Why do I even care so much? It was never anything serious. I’m being childish. But for some odd reason, I just can’t forget. Currently I’m in one of those “half-asleep” mood type of things. You might get totally freaked out so I don’t know. I’m not even sure I’d want you to read this. I’m just rambling on as usual, writing letters and words that are just me moping and complaining without any real substance.
I guess I’m just a kid, right? A kid who cared too much for his own good. But I understand, and I’m sure you do too. Well, I hope you do.
I still miss you. It’s probably not the same for you. But i guess that how things are just meant to be.
-River.
Happens to: dislike the dark (and the seaside.)
People want people to always be honest with them. As humans, we have an inherent fear of the unknown. Although there is a fear of this “unknown”, or not knowing how things will turn out, there is somewhat of a thrill in being lost. So what do we do? We run away from the truth. We decide to put off confronting the obvious or facing the facts. So we lie to ourselves saying “I want to be found” but in reality we all like being lost. There’s a happiness in sadness, and a brutal honesty in loneliness that we can’t obtain from anywhere else. But because of this, we’ll more then likely lose whatever we’re trying to pretend not to want to hold on to.
In some ways, the easiest way to lose something is to want it too much. The desire overshadows the object of said desire and the race that ensues is much more thrilling than the gold medal.
I’ve been terribly lonely for the past week or so. So much so that I’ve lost sleep. I wake up to an empty home and fall asleep having barely said a word to my parents. But I’d never tell them I feel this way. And I’ll always deny the fact I hardly smile anymore. Even when I do see my friends I feel out of place, but again I’ll crack the odd joke.
I’ll deny the fact I’m sad and lonely until it goes away. Facing the truth doesn’t always set you free, often it just digs another 6 feet into the hole your standing in. Quite a glib interpretation of the whole situation and the emotion it packages but that’s how it is. I’m really looking forward to school.
Of course, not all of life is about a blue sunrise and a sunset that goes on forever. Moments of happiness are always ones you can never forget. And it is THESE moments that we will always chase but the end product of which we will always love.
Winter is only 4 months, after all.
Boredboredbored
I woke up about an hour ago to a silent and empty home. It was kinda scary to be honest. The idea that, well, no one else is here. Just you. Some would find it liberating but I’m sure a few others would kinds feel … Hmm. Not really sure how I can articulate it, but it’s kinda weird. That is, until, the T.V is turned on and the voice of the ESPN commentators reverberates around my home.
I thought these holidays would be nice. But I find myself stuck at home, alone and bored. And again, all my friends are going on their respective vacations while i sleep in until 10:30 and repeat the process of:
Wake Up
Run
Tv
Computer
Sleep
Wake up
Run
tv
Computer
Sleep
etc etc.
i Always said to myself i could use a few chill out days here or there. But this is too much chillaxing !!!
I’m about to embark on a 9 hour journey into the world of “The Godfather”. I plan to watch all 3 by the end of tonight, so wish me luck.
Some Fancy Schmancy Gizmo
So I got some fancy schmancy internet, which clocks in @ 50 mb/ps. Which is quite a difference from my last internet. Mthinks it gives me a chance to be a bit more liberal with the limewire/youtube, but i don’t think I’m the opportunist type so I’ll stay very conservative with my browsing and internet usage.
I had a very uneventful Good Friday. However it’s on this day that we remember that Christ died for us. So it’s very significant. Admittedly, I haven’t taken any steps to “flag” the event so to speak, but I implore everyone to remember the real reason of Easter no matter how cliche it may be. Because after all it’s fact and affects well … Your destination after you die. And that’s just putting it bluntly.
It’s interesting how misconstrued an opinion or statement can become. I just finished watching Crash with my dad on Channel 7. A great movie with a lot of depth with tackled issues regarding prejudice and racism in our modern times. It kind of struck me that Asians were portrayed badly without a redeeming act or part… Whereas everyone else (including an african american, a persian and a hispanic) had all their stereotypes shattered. Asians on the other hand, did not. In fact the final scene is a bunch of smuggled Asians walking out of a cramped van, and on the other side of the street an ASIAN driver bumps into the car of a black woman.
Oh yeah, THERE’s a big statement about prejudice. Acknowledging there are even “races” in the “human race” is in itself prejudice. Because essentially what you’re saying is that You’re different and this is why. We’re all damn human whether we like it or not, but acknowledging “race” has been so ingrained into our society that we fail to see that it’s a form of “racism” (starting to sound like and idiot now…).
Prejudice is something a lot of people could easily go without, but in a way It’s sort of a defense mechanism also. I mean you’re not gonna pick up some random guy off the street at 2 a.m are you? Chances are the dude’s got some shadyness to him. Ignorance isn’t bliss, it’s dangerous, and in a way making a judgment makes us un-ignorant with information based on nothing but general misconceptions and word of mouth.
Not sure if that mini rant made a lot of sense, but a part me wants to write a meaningful blog post (yes, prose) that has some depth to it. Maybe when i have the time I’ll give it a shot. But honestly, I just came online to test my new internet and noticed I hadn’t written here yet. BUT ANYWAY.
I’ll do some proper research into a subject later (when i know people will actually read it). Maybe it should be about procrastination…
yeah maybe later.
au revoir.
Sir, What does this casket have to do with my shackles?
Well, I believe I am moderately prepared for the exams ahead of me. So tonight’s plans will consist of briefly going over my notes so as to not over cramp.
One exam, however, that i am worried about is english. I’m afraid I will fail dismally. Seeking refuge in the wise words of my best friend, he asked me why it was so important. Well, It’s not important to me, but rather my parents. i honestly think school is for my parents. It’s always pressure and very soon i think my strings will snap. But I’ll hold on.
I am relatively optimistic for the rest of my school life no matter how bleak it looks. But, as seen today, the sunshine always comes through. I was discussing with my friend Del how we no longer get days where we have nothing to worry about and relax, seeing as the work load seems to constantly increase at irregular time periods. Tthe hope of my stress being assuaged doesn’t seem to be coming into fruition any time soon, So i guess it’s just a part of life we all have to deal with.
I’ve also been feeling very unsure lately… An old friendship has been rekindled but I still can’t shake the thought of Her. It seems ignoring Her doesn’t work nor does breaking every creative bone in my body to stop myself from writing another stupid poem. Hell, I’m even hoping she doesn’t even read my blog or that she doesn’t see this post. In a sense, I think I miss her. But that’s always been the case. Wallowing on and walking around like I’ve got a bullet in my chest won’t do anything to alleviate my feelings so (as before) I’m gonna have to laugh this it off. I’m still skeptical that it all ended too soon, and it was sort of like the series finale of a TV show. A cliffhanger, if you will. One that I don’t think will ever get resolved (thought i honestly wish it would).
I’ve been slapped with an ultimatum that i don’t think i can bear, nor can i be bothered making a decision for. I have priorities. Work, work, work. Just as always. It’s all routine. I just hope they won’t notice the tears on my exam paper.
