A Letter
Dear Jane,
Hi ! What’s up? We haven’t spoken in a while. I don’t even think I’ve seen you in a while either.
There’s nothing new with me. There never is. Same old boring River as usual. It’s raining tonight, it’s always reminded me of you. I always wished we’d “slow dance in the rain” like I always wrote, but I know stuff like that is only my head.
To be honest, I can’t think of enough small talk to help me ignore the fact that I’m writing this letter because I miss you. My friends have been dealing with my current overbearing load of angst, and at times i feel sorry for them. I feel selfish in a way. Stupid, most definitely. Why am I always so serious? Why do I over think things? And why, in some naive way, do I think i have all the answers?
I’m only good for my words, aren’t I? I always just say the right thing at the right time, or write words that only sound sweet, but I’m no man of action. I always blamed you for breaking promises, but maybe I broke a few along the road too. Unspoken promises, that don’t even need to be mentioned because we both understood why. At least, that is, I think we did.
I still remember the first time i came to the realization that I was a sprung, foolish 15 year old kid. I looked at the stars that very moment and smiled at the fact that these were the very same stars that were above you, And no matter how far distance would have us apart, we were standing under the same sky. As if you weren’t that far away. There’s a large hill behind my home, with a valley. I like to sit there sometimes and stare at the stars for a while. All in some whacked out pensive mood and occasionally just waiting for dinner. The gentle hum of the nearby freeway never seems to break the hush I feel that falls so silently. It never interrupts my train of thought, which always seems to revolve around what I could’ve and should’ve done and what i couldn’t and shouldn’t have done. Remember that green book? It’s under a tree on that hill. Maybe someone will find it one day.
Why do I even care so much? It was never anything serious. I’m being childish. But for some odd reason, I just can’t forget. Currently I’m in one of those “half-asleep” mood type of things. You might get totally freaked out so I don’t know. I’m not even sure I’d want you to read this. I’m just rambling on as usual, writing letters and words that are just me moping and complaining without any real substance.
I guess I’m just a kid, right? A kid who cared too much for his own good. But I understand, and I’m sure you do too. Well, I hope you do.
I still miss you. It’s probably not the same for you. But i guess that how things are just meant to be.
-River.
” Home “
At times i walk alone
Down this worn and dusty path
The rocks cut my feet
The people tell me to turn back
A part of me tells me to turn back
But I know where this path leads
I’m on my way home
To the place my Father’s prepared for me
I’m on my way home
To be with my Lord
My clothes are torn
and the devil laughs in my ear
But I know I’m on my way home
To the place my Father’s prepared for me
The world tempts me
and attempts to sway me
To extinguish this fire
burning brightly in my heart
My back begins to break
and my eyes grow heavy with fatigue
But i remember a promise
That’ll never be broken
That brings joy to my soul
And a smile to my face
I’m on my way home
To the place my Father’s prepared for me
I’m on my way home
To be with my Lord
My clothes are torn
and the devil laughs in my ear
But I know I’m on my way home
To the place my Father’s prepared for me.
Unashamed.
No matter how cliche it sounds, there’s always a new day. A day in which God has given us by which he has sustained us. Isn’t that enough reason to be thankful? For the simple fact that God gave You breath?
“You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory, honour and power. For you created all things and by your will they were created and have their being”
-Revelation 4:11
This is the day the Lord has made
I will rejoice for He has made me glad
This past weekend i went to a Christian youth convention and after 2 weeks of somewhat of an emotional detox, I must say it was really a blessing. I was heavily convicted in regards to the expression of my faith in Christ Jesus. I had kept it on the down low, And I found myself conforming to the ways of the world and drifting further and further apart from God. My spiritual life became redundant, and my emotions and self centered-ness took the number one spot in my life. I didn’t even trust God in regards to my relationships with other people and thought that I could take care of it myself.
But of course I was dead wrong.
As Jesus said in John 16:33
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! For I have overcome this world.”
I was longing for something, but looked in all the wrong places. And even though I sinned time and time again and as i felt i drew further away from God, he stayed faithful. How deep the Father’s love for us ! That even in (what seems as) the darkest times, God is still with us, wanting us to run to Him. His Love for us is unimaginable, indescribable and often leaves me in awe and brings me to tears.
Why should I be ashamed?
” The Light Ever Present In The Dark Of It All “
Bruised, shattered and broken
Lost and walking without a cause
The reflection in the mirror disgusts me
Who could ever love me ?
Despicable and deplorable acts
Secrets with held
It runs too deep, to a place too cold
Who could ever love me?
It sometimes feels like tears
roll down my cheeks without an end
And my heart stops beating when i tell it to
Used and thrown away
an abused recluse, forgotten
Who could ever love me?
Your light Oh, Lord
It shows me what I am
A creature of Sin, your holy eyes can’t bear to see
Your light Oh, Lord
It shows me what I am
Undeserving of Your Grace and Mercy
I cannot understand, Father
I spat in your face and ran away
You have millions who are loyal
But it was I, whom you chased
Meager things I seeked as you shook your head from above
A child so rebellious, daring and lost
But a child you so dearly loved
I cannot understand, Father
Why You love me so
Why you kept calling out my name
When i told you no.
Lord, your love runs so deep
My human mind cannot understand
But in your Salvation, i can sleep
and ignore the world’s demands
Father God,There’s trouble in this world I’m sure
I open my eyes it’s been made clearly so
I grasp onto my spirit’s fading glow …
I hear the voice of the mockers
draw closer and closer
But i take heart because I know
That this world you have conquered.
In Regards To Lack Of A Birthday Present.
I am disappointed because of two things.
Thing #1: I lost my basketball final today. I don’t think I’m good under pressure. I complained when I didn’t get the ball and now I’m complaining that they actually DID give me the ball and i missed my shots. All 3 of them. And we only lost by 4 points. So just imagine that. It’s frustrating to think that I can’t walk properly if i have a load on my back. I wish i could be more of a clutch man. But instead i look around with a gaping mouth not knowing what the hell to do.
Someone once told me pressure makes the man, and only those who can function well under pressure are those who can survive. We see this countless times in disaster movies and the like. So, according to that, if I was on a sinking ship, I’d be dead. Ironically, the ethnic always dies in those types of movies. Go figure.
I guess I get numb and become incredibly insecure in my own abilities as a person. A bit odd, If i think about it but maybe i just don’t have that survival instinct in me. Of course, I’m exaggerating this whole thing, but I’m scared I’m more quick to panic than to take action. All this from failing at a basketball game, huh ? You bet. I tend to over think things as a lot of people know.
Trying To Be A Superhero ...
Thing #2 : A startling revelation was brought before me yesterday that almost made me puke. It’s a shame that when you think you know someone, you’re suddenly hit with a hammer on the head and made aware of what they do behind closed doors. It made me sick to my stomach, no doubt. And i was slightly dissappointed in the person. Honestly, I don’t think i’d be able to look them the same way now, which is a sad thought. If people were just the same all the time everything would be easier. Now i must admit, I’m an offender too and i must also admit I “transform” so to speak, but I do my best not to. Not only do they do such deplorable and disgusting acts or even THINK of it, but the fact that they condemn others for doing the same thing. Complete and utter HYPOCRISY. On top of that I’m pissed off at the other person for reasons that shall go unidentified. I think i just lost all my respect for both of them. But then again that’s hypocritical of me in a way. I shouldn’t be quick to judge, people make mistakes. I should forgive and forget (even if i wasn’t done wrong) because I’d want people to do the same to me. But still, it bugs me. It’s the person. Just who it is and thinking of them being that way just… It’s not right and shouldn’t be. But I’m not superman and I can’t stop people around me from making mistakes or making the wrong decisions. It’s neither my place or my job. However, it annoys me that it’s not. You should save a person who’s about to jump off a bridge, right ?
Fireworks And Strangers
So yes, tonight was pretty fun. Though, unfortunately, my feet are incredibly tired and i have the growing urge to sleep.
The Camden Show was more of an anti climax than anything. I gave it too much of my excitement than it deserved. I practically walked around a bunch of times and rode one ride going from group to group, trying to understand who was who and what the frick was going on.
There were a bunch of people I had never met and naturally i felt extremely left out. Except i met this one person, who i barely exchanged words with, through a friend of mine. I stood next to her as we watched the fireworks, and even though i hardly knew her name or how she felt, i could tell she was happy. I could tell that everyone around me was happy, which made me happy. A feeling so universal and quaint, and for the 15 minutes of colorful explosions, it seemed as if everyone’s problems went away and worried frowns were replaced by smiles.
For those 15 minutes, It seemed as if time actually stood still, with my arms around my brothers and me standing next to strangers who felt the exact same way.
