Mirror, Mirror on the wall (is that really me?)
My attempts at writing atypical poetry written and posted periodically that are loosely based on the emotional character of a stranger I had met, have failed miserably. As i slowly, but oh so unsurely tried to meander through the thought patterns of said confidant, it made me realise that Himself and I aren’t or weren’t so different after all. You have to dig around in the ground to find gold, right?
I always thought to understand someone else was much more harder than to understand oneself. With another, the harsher the truth than the more likely it is to come out, an admittance, if you will, that is undeniably liberating but strangely painful. Whereas even if the slightest amount of ego were to taint the reflection of your person, then the whole image would be a lie. It’s almost as if it’s easier to admit secrets to (people who seem to be) complete strangers. The absence of condescending,verbose and needlessly expounded assumptions and thoughts is always comforting, just because you know you’re a stranger to them too.
I think I’m struggling because I don’t think I am able to do the subject matter justice. It may be the inherent fear of failure, the lack of trust and/or faith, or the fact that I don’t want to admit to myself that the feelings he feels, I too have often felt and know well. Some might call me pretentious and conceited or that i obsess over stupid matters ( “over-think”) and I probably do. But when there’s cash on the table, or things on the line, You’d have to admit it’s hard not to.
Still, It’s an interesting thought.
(far out i sound like such a douche).
River Made It !!!
Onto the touch football team. Without actually wanting to succeed, oddly enough my name was called out at the end of the try outs. It may be that i have impressive skills on the field, or it may be (more than likely) that there were only 12 people who tried, 3 of which didn’t even move or run around and only 9 were needed on a team.
Either way my original agenda for another term of tennis has been disrupted and I now have to face the subsequent humiliation of most probably losing each and every game along with the team.
Time to get me some x-blades, yo.
” Home “
At times i walk alone
Down this worn and dusty path
The rocks cut my feet
The people tell me to turn back
A part of me tells me to turn back
But I know where this path leads
I’m on my way home
To the place my Father’s prepared for me
I’m on my way home
To be with my Lord
My clothes are torn
and the devil laughs in my ear
But I know I’m on my way home
To the place my Father’s prepared for me
The world tempts me
and attempts to sway me
To extinguish this fire
burning brightly in my heart
My back begins to break
and my eyes grow heavy with fatigue
But i remember a promise
That’ll never be broken
That brings joy to my soul
And a smile to my face
I’m on my way home
To the place my Father’s prepared for me
I’m on my way home
To be with my Lord
My clothes are torn
and the devil laughs in my ear
But I know I’m on my way home
To the place my Father’s prepared for me.
Unashamed.
No matter how cliche it sounds, there’s always a new day. A day in which God has given us by which he has sustained us. Isn’t that enough reason to be thankful? For the simple fact that God gave You breath?
“You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory, honour and power. For you created all things and by your will they were created and have their being”
-Revelation 4:11
This is the day the Lord has made
I will rejoice for He has made me glad
This past weekend i went to a Christian youth convention and after 2 weeks of somewhat of an emotional detox, I must say it was really a blessing. I was heavily convicted in regards to the expression of my faith in Christ Jesus. I had kept it on the down low, And I found myself conforming to the ways of the world and drifting further and further apart from God. My spiritual life became redundant, and my emotions and self centered-ness took the number one spot in my life. I didn’t even trust God in regards to my relationships with other people and thought that I could take care of it myself.
But of course I was dead wrong.
As Jesus said in John 16:33
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! For I have overcome this world.”
I was longing for something, but looked in all the wrong places. And even though I sinned time and time again and as i felt i drew further away from God, he stayed faithful. How deep the Father’s love for us ! That even in (what seems as) the darkest times, God is still with us, wanting us to run to Him. His Love for us is unimaginable, indescribable and often leaves me in awe and brings me to tears.
Why should I be ashamed?
Happens to: dislike the dark (and the seaside.)
People want people to always be honest with them. As humans, we have an inherent fear of the unknown. Although there is a fear of this “unknown”, or not knowing how things will turn out, there is somewhat of a thrill in being lost. So what do we do? We run away from the truth. We decide to put off confronting the obvious or facing the facts. So we lie to ourselves saying “I want to be found” but in reality we all like being lost. There’s a happiness in sadness, and a brutal honesty in loneliness that we can’t obtain from anywhere else. But because of this, we’ll more then likely lose whatever we’re trying to pretend not to want to hold on to.
In some ways, the easiest way to lose something is to want it too much. The desire overshadows the object of said desire and the race that ensues is much more thrilling than the gold medal.
I’ve been terribly lonely for the past week or so. So much so that I’ve lost sleep. I wake up to an empty home and fall asleep having barely said a word to my parents. But I’d never tell them I feel this way. And I’ll always deny the fact I hardly smile anymore. Even when I do see my friends I feel out of place, but again I’ll crack the odd joke.
I’ll deny the fact I’m sad and lonely until it goes away. Facing the truth doesn’t always set you free, often it just digs another 6 feet into the hole your standing in. Quite a glib interpretation of the whole situation and the emotion it packages but that’s how it is. I’m really looking forward to school.
Of course, not all of life is about a blue sunrise and a sunset that goes on forever. Moments of happiness are always ones you can never forget. And it is THESE moments that we will always chase but the end product of which we will always love.
Winter is only 4 months, after all.
Boredboredbored
I woke up about an hour ago to a silent and empty home. It was kinda scary to be honest. The idea that, well, no one else is here. Just you. Some would find it liberating but I’m sure a few others would kinds feel … Hmm. Not really sure how I can articulate it, but it’s kinda weird. That is, until, the T.V is turned on and the voice of the ESPN commentators reverberates around my home.
I thought these holidays would be nice. But I find myself stuck at home, alone and bored. And again, all my friends are going on their respective vacations while i sleep in until 10:30 and repeat the process of:
Wake Up
Run
Tv
Computer
Sleep
Wake up
Run
tv
Computer
Sleep
etc etc.
i Always said to myself i could use a few chill out days here or there. But this is too much chillaxing !!!
I’m about to embark on a 9 hour journey into the world of “The Godfather”. I plan to watch all 3 by the end of tonight, so wish me luck.
A movie and a shake of the head.
3 Youtube videos are loading on this cloudy, lazy Sunday. My parents are watching T.V and yet again I am found in front of the computer.
Yesterday my friend organized a get together at the movies with about 19 of us. It was fun, I duly admit, but the darkwash in the sky just brings down the “high” brought on by last nights neon lights emitted in the bowling alley. Individuals are complex, so naturally human interaction is much more complex. When conflicting personalities and what not come together, each person must attempt to try their best to hold it together so it doesn’t turn into a riot. How do we do this? By keeping quiet.
Ever noticed that? When you’re the new kid in any situation or have just met people for the first time you keep quiet. As if to test the waters, albeit awkwardly, but non the less testing the waters. Yesterday’s gathering was quite diverse leading to very quiet wandering around but after the imminent end of the breaking in period, people started showing their “true colours” and soon enough I was brave enough to admit i was wearing my Mother’s denim jacket. Hey, it looked good ! and it didn’t seem to phase people anyway.
GAHHHH!!!11!1!!!
Some would call me fruity based on the facts that i like the colour pink, i have a favourite flower and am unafraid of commenting on another dude’s looks. Some would find it threatening if i were to propose that, for the latter at least, it only solidifies the fact that you are confident in your own sexuality. I like women and I’m sure of that, so a passing remark regarding another man’s appearance hardly wavers that confidence. And, funnily enough, I get girls asking my opinion on the looks of a particular guy. It doesn’t really freak me out, but it usually leads to a specific zone I usually find myself in in terms of relationships with the opposite sex.
The Friend Zone
Typing it alone makes me shudder. Every dude hates this said zone, but i find that I’m always in it. Is it because I like pink and flowers? Girls always say that they want a sensitive, nice guy who they can run to when they’re sad, who’ll make them smile, wipe their tears away, put up with “The Notebook” and ask them how their day was. This is theory left unpractised. Because in reality, if a guy were like that, a girl would feel threatened and see that dude as “just a friend”. Wanna know how i know that? Because it happens to me.
I’m always just a friend. It gets frustrating, but I often have to take it on the chin and move on.
It’s also a point of emotional maturity. I’ve never had a girlfriend in my life, but I at least know when a girl is hurting or when she needs someone. And the weird thing is, (being utterly honest and humble about the matter) yours truly often fills the void that the supposed boyfriend left behind.
That’s some food for thought ain’t it? Always just a friend…
It gets frustrating, to say the least. I’ve talked to really nice and caring guys who have been hurt, just because a girl wants a good time with a so called “dominant alpha male”. My heart goes out to the hurting, because they don’t deserve to feel that way. My head spins and my blood boils when i see a situation like that happen. Complete and blatant disregard for a person’s feelings.
You Know Who You Are:
I know how you feel bro. A lot of people do. Rejection and pain are a part of life. Just get on with it and move on. Moping around won’t help one bit. Admittedly, It won’t happen over night. Just be patient and give it time.
Some Fancy Schmancy Gizmo
So I got some fancy schmancy internet, which clocks in @ 50 mb/ps. Which is quite a difference from my last internet. Mthinks it gives me a chance to be a bit more liberal with the limewire/youtube, but i don’t think I’m the opportunist type so I’ll stay very conservative with my browsing and internet usage.
I had a very uneventful Good Friday. However it’s on this day that we remember that Christ died for us. So it’s very significant. Admittedly, I haven’t taken any steps to “flag” the event so to speak, but I implore everyone to remember the real reason of Easter no matter how cliche it may be. Because after all it’s fact and affects well … Your destination after you die. And that’s just putting it bluntly.
It’s interesting how misconstrued an opinion or statement can become. I just finished watching Crash with my dad on Channel 7. A great movie with a lot of depth with tackled issues regarding prejudice and racism in our modern times. It kind of struck me that Asians were portrayed badly without a redeeming act or part… Whereas everyone else (including an african american, a persian and a hispanic) had all their stereotypes shattered. Asians on the other hand, did not. In fact the final scene is a bunch of smuggled Asians walking out of a cramped van, and on the other side of the street an ASIAN driver bumps into the car of a black woman.
Oh yeah, THERE’s a big statement about prejudice. Acknowledging there are even “races” in the “human race” is in itself prejudice. Because essentially what you’re saying is that You’re different and this is why. We’re all damn human whether we like it or not, but acknowledging “race” has been so ingrained into our society that we fail to see that it’s a form of “racism” (starting to sound like and idiot now…).
Prejudice is something a lot of people could easily go without, but in a way It’s sort of a defense mechanism also. I mean you’re not gonna pick up some random guy off the street at 2 a.m are you? Chances are the dude’s got some shadyness to him. Ignorance isn’t bliss, it’s dangerous, and in a way making a judgment makes us un-ignorant with information based on nothing but general misconceptions and word of mouth.
Not sure if that mini rant made a lot of sense, but a part me wants to write a meaningful blog post (yes, prose) that has some depth to it. Maybe when i have the time I’ll give it a shot. But honestly, I just came online to test my new internet and noticed I hadn’t written here yet. BUT ANYWAY.
I’ll do some proper research into a subject later (when i know people will actually read it). Maybe it should be about procrastination…
yeah maybe later.
au revoir.
Self Experimentation In Search Of Truth
So I have decided what I’m gonna do to keep myself preoccupied these holidays.
Experiment on myself !!!!
I will place myself under a self imposed insomnia and simply, write. Whether it be poetry or prose, whatever comes out of my brain dead head shall be accepted.
I have come to the conclusion I am much more honest with myself if I am half asleep, or unable to sleep. I can go about this experiment in two ways.
The Easy Way (but less effective): Set my alarm clock to an ungodly hour (maybe around 2 or 3 am) and write. However, this may not be as effective as I would still be able to get enough sleep because, well simply I’ll just stay in bed longer after I finish writing. Also, harder to commit to because who the hell wants to get up at 2 or 3 in the morning right?
The Hard Way (more effective): Literally keep myself awake. Easier said than done. If i happen to actually fall asleep (I’ll allow myself some leeway here) I’ll fall asleep at around 2 and set my alarm to 3:30 or something along the lines of that and write.
To be honest, i’m quite excited to see the fruits of such an experiment and what my half asleep, brain dead self can come up with. I think it’d be an interesting read when I’m more conscious. If anything, I might even just do it for myself. But being the good sport that I am, everything i write in my self induced (semi)insomnia will be posted right here on my blog. Siiigh. Using yourself as a test subject is always so fun, isn’t it ?
” The Light Ever Present In The Dark Of It All “
Bruised, shattered and broken
Lost and walking without a cause
The reflection in the mirror disgusts me
Who could ever love me ?
Despicable and deplorable acts
Secrets with held
It runs too deep, to a place too cold
Who could ever love me?
It sometimes feels like tears
roll down my cheeks without an end
And my heart stops beating when i tell it to
Used and thrown away
an abused recluse, forgotten
Who could ever love me?
Your light Oh, Lord
It shows me what I am
A creature of Sin, your holy eyes can’t bear to see
Your light Oh, Lord
It shows me what I am
Undeserving of Your Grace and Mercy
I cannot understand, Father
I spat in your face and ran away
You have millions who are loyal
But it was I, whom you chased
Meager things I seeked as you shook your head from above
A child so rebellious, daring and lost
But a child you so dearly loved
I cannot understand, Father
Why You love me so
Why you kept calling out my name
When i told you no.
Lord, your love runs so deep
My human mind cannot understand
But in your Salvation, i can sleep
and ignore the world’s demands
Father God,There’s trouble in this world I’m sure
I open my eyes it’s been made clearly so
I grasp onto my spirit’s fading glow …
I hear the voice of the mockers
draw closer and closer
But i take heart because I know
That this world you have conquered.
